


Wish You Were(n't) Here

by JakkuCrew (fromstars)



Series: Wishful Thinking [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Multi, Trope Subversion, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6137280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromstars/pseuds/JakkuCrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Finn,” Poe added enthusiastically, knowing full well it would take a moment for Rey and Finn to surface from their twirling dancing hug of excitement. “It’s good to see you buddy! But I have to ask: did you bring pants? Or backup? Or <i>pants?”</i></p><p>______</p><p>Part I misfire fill: <i></i><a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/5987656">"I'm always down for a damn fine fuck-or-die scenario."</a><br/>Part II of "Wishful Thinking series."<br/>Fill for the kinkmeme prompt: Opening line - <i>“Is it supposed to smell like that?"</i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Wish You Were(n't) Here

**Author's Note:**

> Kinkmeme prompt: [Opening line - "Is it supposed to smell like that?"](https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/2821.html?thread=4720645#cmt4720645)

“Is it _supposed_ to smell like that?” Poe asked dubiously, wrinkling his nose. “I honestly thought that it was—” Poe gestured towards the slimy puddle in the middle of the cell, “…Hutt excretions.”

 _Semen_. He’d been convinced it was Hutt jizz. But Poe didn’t want to say that. It would’ve implied he knew what Hutt jizz looked like.

Kylo Ren looked at him, a mixture of exasperation and disgust coloring his angular face. “It’s a Huttese oil,” he explained patronizingly. “-meant to mimic the mucus Hutts naturally produce.”

“ _Eurgh_.” Jessika said. Rey recoiled from the puddle’s edges. Poe continued to stare.

“So,” Poe said, “We’re trapped in a jail cell with…Hutt lube?”

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

“So it would seem,” Kylo confirmed, still quite unable to look dignified while he was wearing little more than a baggy banana hammock.

“How in the hell did you even know that?” Poe demanded.

Pava shot him a murderous look for daring to prompt further discussion of inter-species lubricants.

For the first time since landing in the middle of the cell, Kylo Ren smiled - a look that was both unsettling and beguiling. Like a snake about to eat a moff-mouse.

“My mother is known as a _Hutt-Slayer_ ,” he said, “-and it seems like I might finally follow in her footsteps.”

Rey tensed. “Murder doesn’t seem like such a big stretch for you,” she spat, glaring up at Kylo.

“Perhaps not,” Kylo said sharply. “But unless one of you Resistance nerfherders have a reasonable - tenable - plan, then we’re going to do things my way.”

“Oh _hell_ no—,” Pava spluttered, pushing herself up off the small cot. “-You’re basically going to kill us the second you get outta here, or worse, you’ll take my ship-”

Poe coughed. “—Pava.”

“-and I just added some custom upgrades-,”

“— _Pava!”_ Poe tried again. “ _Priorities_. That is not worse than being dead.”

“Says you,” Pava scoffed. “You can’t buy Hosnian Engine parts anymore because somebody exploded the entire _kriffing_ system!”

“—I was in _no_ way responsible for the destruction of the Hosnian system,” Kylo retorted hotly, “In point of fact, I thought it was a _terrible_ decision and have actively been trying to sabotage Starkiller base for years now—,”

“Oh sure, sabotaging your own superweapon, that seems real likely—,”

“—because Hux is an _insufferable_ ass, and the Deathstar was a failure both times and a blight on Darth Vader’s track record—,”

“—are you kidding me? That’s why you didn’t like it? It made Darth Vader look bad?”

“—and because what sort of _imbecilic_ megalomaniacal-,”

“-have you looked in a mirror?”

“— _hubristic_ idiot suggests to recreate a twice-failed weapon of mass destruction ten-times as large as the originals with the _same_ fucking kill-switch? Who does _that?!”_

“— _ENOUGH_ ,” Poe snapped. “Both of you, please!” He implored, silently thanking the universe - or the Force - for the restraint Jessika had shown in not immediately brawling with Kylo Ren. Not that he wouldn’t have deserved it, it was just…likely to get messy.

“Pava’s right,” Rey said simply. “I don’t trust him.”

Kylo Ren glared.

Poe felt a headache begin to build behind his temple.

“Well, we already nixed all of my ideas,” Poe said, lifting up his hands. “Look, worst comes to worst, we triple-team him and take him in for the Resistance. There’s three of us, and one of him.”

“I’m more than capable of basic counting procedures,” Kylo retorted. “ _And_ I can hear you.”

“Then listen up, _laser-brain_ ,” Poe gestured towards Rey and Jessika, “-if you do anything stupid, neither of them will feel even a little bit sorry over losing your _stupid_ sculpted abs, and they’ll _both_ kick your ass from here to the next star system. And you _owe_ me,” he added, “-so get us out of here!”

Kylo looked shocked for a moment, before he made a murderous sounding noise in the back of his throat and stalked over to the cell’s metal bars. He paused long enough to look down his nose at Rey with an unimpressed look.

“I’m sure Luke Skywalker simply _forgot_ to mention a technique which would be useful here. Why bother learning how to destroy something if you can simply sit around on an island all day and play with sticks?”

“Master Luke is a wonderful teacher, you’re just ungrateful.” Rey spat.

“Hardly,” Kylo demurred, before he returned his gaze to the bars. He took in a long and measured breath, intently studying the metal before him. Poe watched as he exhaled, then breathed in again, placing his hands on the bars as he did so.

Just as Pava was about to complain, Kylo Ren exhaled and pulled the bars under his grip. They lurched, and Poe’s eyes widened as the metal warped outwards like pulled strings on a harp. Metal groaned in protest, and Kylo’s shoulders tensed as he strained, his muscles taut and rippling under bare skin.

When he’d finished, he took a half step back to admire his handiwork, before turning to cast a cool look back at the other three occupants of the cell.

“It’s important to find and ruthlessly exploit the weaknesses in your natural environment,” he said. “A Force wielder should know that all things can be broken. Or at the very least,” Kylo raised a brow, “- _remolded_.”

“ _Dios mío_ ,” Poe said hoarsely, “-the _gringo’s_ muscles _aren’t_ just decorative.”

 _“Chupame la pija,”_ Ben shot back, before he turned on his heel and slipped between large gap he’d made between bars. “ _Pendejo_.”

Shocked, Poe stood dumbly in the cell as Rey followed through the opening. Jessika nudged him. “Poe. Come on. Quit staring. Being insulted in multiple languages is not sexy, it’s annoying.”

He groaned miserably, pressing his face into his hands. “ _Force_ , I need to get laid.”

“Yeah, by someone not evil,” Jessika said pointedly.

“But have you _seen_ that ass, Pava?” Poe hissed, as she brushed past him.

“He tortured you,” she shot back.

“Yeah, but it’s my dry spell that’s apparently making me lose my sanity,” Poe bemoaned as they stepped through the cell bars, Rey and Kylo already some feet ahead of them in the hall. "Remind me to get a life, once we get out of here," he said, not bothering to wait for Jessika's affirmation. 

It was then that they heard footsteps echoing loudly through the halls. Rey and Kylo Ren both visibly tensed — Rey slipping into a guarded stance that suggested scrappiness even in a short toga, and Kylo poised _almost_ elegantly beside her in his scrap of fabric. The effect was more comical than intimidating, but Poe supposed he didn’t look any better off, even with the addition of a cloak. Pava, for her part, looked ready to tear some space escargot with her bare hands — undoubtedly the side effect of pinching metal.

Poe held his breath as the footsteps neared — and then stepped back, startled when Rey whooped in glee.

 _“Finn!”_ she shouted, apparently unconcerned if the entire complex found them. Poe moved, ducking past Kylo to catch sight of their rescuer, brilliant glowing lightsaber in hand. They were saved.

“Rey!” Finn grinned broadly and rushed forwards, his saber winking out just in time for him to catapult himself towards Rey for a hug. Poe ducked just in time to avoid being toppled over by the new Resistance wonder twins (who were quite thankfully _not_ actually related, for once).

“Finn,” Poe added enthusiastically, knowing full well it would take a moment for either of the two to surface from their twirling dancing hug of excitement. “It’s good to see you buddy! But I have to ask: did you bring pants? Or backup? Or _pants?”_

Finn peeled himself away from Rey long enough to glance about, before he caught sight of the now skulking Kylo Ren. He leapt back and ignited his saber.

“What is he doing here?” Finn demanded.

Poe shrugged. “Finn. Pants? Backup? _Anything?"_

“We’re taking him prisoner,” Jessika said, with a roll of her shoulder. “Or something. He’s just kind of here.”

Kylo frowned down at her. “You wouldn’t even be out of that cell without me,” he growled.

“Whatever,” Jess said.

Rey tugged at the hem of her diaphanous toga. “Finn, how did you find us?” She asked, flexing her fingers as she stared enviously at his lightsaber.

Finn smiled at her, before he turned off his lightsaber once more. “I used the Force,” he said, proudly pulling himself up. “I guess it works.”

Rey beamed. Poe just wished they’d wait to flirt until after they weren’t all covered in Hutt synth-lube.

“Finn,” he tried again. “How’re we getting outta here?”

“Oh,” he said, looking over at Poe - amusement crossing his face when he realized what Poe, Kylo, and Jessika were all wearing. “Y’know, I didn’t bring pants, but I do have some extra blasters,” he offered helpfully, pulling open his jacket to reveal the additional weapons he was packing. He handed a lighter model to Rey first, and Pava snatched the biggest blaster before Poe had a chance to react. Finn sheepishly handed him the remaining weapon, before glancing warily back at Kylo Ren.

“I wouldn’t give you a weapon even if I had one,” he said, feeling none too apologetic about it.

Kylo sniffed disdainfully. “I have no need for such an inelegant, barbaric weapon. I can handle myself.”

“Says the guy whose lightsaber looks like it should explode at any moment,” Poe said, as Pava raised her blaster in her line of sight and steadily aimed out into the empty hall. The blood in Kylo’s face drained.

“Wait a second,” Poe gasped. “Did that hunk of junk actually finally explode?”

“It _shorted_ ,” Kylo Ren gritted out. “It did not _explode_. And it is not _junk_.”

“This day just keeps getting better and better,” Poe noted.

**_________________________________**

By the time they’d reached the main banquet hall of the Hutt brothel, Poe had realized three very important facts: _One_ , it was incredibly motivating to be half-undressed while you were fighting, if only because it meant you were that much more worried about losing important appendages,

— _Two_ , it was also simultaneously way more distracting, but most everyone else imprisoned there was just too angry to care,

— And _Three_ , given the way Jessika Pava had gleefully joined the fray, she'd been training to earn the title of Hutt-slayer for way longer than he’d reasonably expected — and Hutt blood was especially noxious looking.

Pava avoided the pooling of blood on the floor as she stepped out to offer a hand to a beautiful Twi’lek girl, who seemed starstruck by Jessika’s presence, even though she’d just finished wielding her own chains as furiously as any deadly whip. Jess helped her up, before glancing back over her shoulder to wrinkle her nose.

“Ugh,” she said to Poe, “—I’m swearing off of men for the rest of my life, I’ll tell you that much. I don’t care _what_ species they are.”

Poe scoffed. “Pava,” he reminded, “You’re a lesbian. That's completely redundant.”

“Exactly,” she said. “Come to think of it, you should swear off men too, Poe. It’d probably be good for you.”

“Speak for yourself!” Poe huffed, glancing about the room before he turned to leave Pava to her own devices.

Poe watched Rey and Finn help out a few of the other straggling scantily clad servants and ‘entertainers’ in one corner of the hall, while Kylo Ren seemed to be rummaging through a pile. He was apparently grabbing what remained of his usual outer cloak and his lightsaber’s hilt. Poe didn’t bother looking for his own clothes — unlike the knight, he hadn’t been wearing any armored clothing of particular value.

On the other end of the hall lay the banquet table, food laid out on dazzling gold chargers and over exotic wood carved platters. It struck Poe that they’d all been stuck in a prison cell for hours, and that he was starving, so without a second thought, he weaved his way through the room towards the food. From the periphery of his vision, he noticed that Kylo Ren, now more or less better covered in his outer robes, was also joining him at the table.

For a brief instant, Poe wished he’d had pockets, just so that he could pack some snacks to go.

He reached out for the most recognizable fruit he saw — a heady red orb that had been cracked open to expose its mine of small ruby-like seeds. Poe bit into it, more or less uncaring that rivulets of red juice splashed down his chin as he did so.

“That could be poisoned,” Kylo said calmly.

“ _S’not_ poisonous,” Poe replied through a mouthful of fruit before he swallowed and gestured at the table. “Why would the Hutts poison their own food?”

Kylo shrugged, before he picked up a different fruit, one shaped like a budding rose, and studied it carefully. After a moment of frowning at it, he bit into it with relish, nimbly licking his fingers as juices spilled over them.

Poe reached for a handful of berries, and a mango, ignoring the sudden prickling of electricity that ran down the back of his neck as he continued to eat. It wasn’t until Finn and Rey began to join them, each taking a small, tender oort-peach to eat, that Pava’s new companion took notice of the feast.

“Are you _insane?_ You can’t eat that!” the Twi’lek cried.

Poe swallowed, hands guiltily retracting from the fruit platter. Rey and Finn looked heartbroken, and each carefully set down their peach onto the table. Kylo, on the other hand, took another spiteful bite of another funny-shaped fruit Poe didn’t recognize.

“It’s perfectly fine,” Poe said, “Not like anyone’s left to stop us…”

“No, that’s not it,” the woman shook her head furiously. “—the food is all drugged.”

Kylo’s fruit fell to the table with a loud thud. He gave the table a betrayed look, before he turned to glare over at the woman who’d spoken up.

“What?” he demanded. Poe felt his stomach turn. What if he’d gotten them all poisoned? Or drugged? Or _drug-poisoned?_

“It’s laced with performance medications,” she said with an apologetic look.

“What do you mean when you say ‘ _performance_ ’—,” Rey began, before she caught sight of the uncomfortable look on Poe’s face, and stopped short. She tilted her head towards Finn. Kylo took a half-step back from the table, putting himself closer to Poe than was strictly necessary. _And yet_ , Poe noted, _he didn’t seem to mind._

“Like combat adrenaline boosters?” Finn asked, looking between Pava and her new companion. He reached out a comforting hand towards Rey’s waist, and pulled her closer. “Those aren’t really that bad, they just make you sort of jumpy…” he said. Poe watched with mute fascination as Rey leaned into Finn, already nuzzling at his shoulder.

Performance medication.

…Performing.

 _Performing performances,_ Poe thought dimly, as he tugged at his too-heavy and stifling cape. It had to have meant something, but thinking about it seemed like more work than it was worth, especially as the blood in his brain began to travel southwards.

“Like aphrodisiacs,” the Twi’lek woman said, “—to stimulate your sexual appetite.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Poe said simply, as the tingling under his skin grew. Performing _sexually_. “—Well, _fuck.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are super appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
